Sunday, November 19, 2006

metal für dummies

so here is the newbie's guide for rockin' everyone's pants off:
first of all, you must remember:
it does not matter if you are 17 years old, you will always feel life is shit and nobody will ever get you. no matter what. feeling mizunda'stud is normal.
now, the checklist to a SWEET hardcore band that pulverises eardrums and pisses parents all around Queretarock:
1.- long hair: even if it only reaches your chin and you comb it with gel so teachers and you "nice" girlfriend do not bitch, it is the way you tell the world "i feel like crap... but i like the car my dad gave me"
2.- loud speakers: in your "nice car", house, and band, every speaker must be able to encourage the "next door fucker" to call your dad and say "please turn the volume down, i'm trying to watch golf on tv"
3.- stickers: every metal-loving fucker will start his journey playing punkpop hits. blink 182 and green day are musts. ergo: guitar must be plastered with stickers. any kind of stickers, including "fragile" red ones from the plane you took to europe. with your "nice" family
4.- black clothes: nothing tells society "i'm pissed of and don't have any self-esteem" like black jeans, black broken armylike boots, black rock-band t-shirt that states "i like shit you don't"
5.- contraculture: "fuck pop" attitude and a large cd collection that begins with every metallica album and a "i get it, you don't 'cause you're old" vibe
6.- goatee: a long goatee and sideburns are a must, if you are old enough to grow 'em
7.- hunchback: hangin' low, low selfesteemin', don't look anyone directly in the eye, and fuck what "they" think, 'tude
8.- blame: do not assume responsibility... remember: it is not your fault. even if you did it
9.- fuck it: the use of profanity... fuck yeah. even if it is not necessary, say fuck. or ass... or both. eventhough fuckass does not make any sense, with this attitude, the other way around will be quite soothing.
10.- grunts: even if you don't like it, the singer in the band must scream. fake "my dad raped me" 'tude is necessary.
11.- beer and pool: the drummer must be drunk half he time.
12.- piercings: drill holes in your flesh to show 'em you mean business
6.-